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Peter Parker

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  1. Breaking News: Terrorism at a record high Thousands dead, Families ripped apart. Author: Peter Parker @Spiderman Published: August 30, 2019 1:50PM Image source: Spiderman Images This has got to stop. The City of Los Santos has come to a standstill yet again by a Terrorist attack by yet another malicious subversive terrorist. The attack occurred around 11:05PM last night when a tank began shooting innocent civilians with what appeared to be a 1000rpm cannon that devastated Legion Square and surrounding areas. Witnesses claim it moved at an unparalleled speed, faster than any car they've ever seen, destroying everything in sight. There is a silver lining though. Local Authorities, with the help of the gods above, managed to put a stop to their destructive 'death-spree' quickly, however, the damage was already done. Streets were littered with the bodies of innocent civilians. A Local Emergency Services Officer, who was present in the aftermath of this incident told me that "These terrorist attacks are destroying the relationship between me and my family. There's just so much work to do after these attacks. I fear one day I will be one of the victims". The Terrorist, however, hasn't been seen since. Police have been unable to identify the perpetrator. They have however, been able to link the recent attacks to a Terrorist Organisation known as "MODDERS", who have been responsible for all previous terrorist attacks. This attack also shows how lax the security of Fort Zancudo really is. Why is it that the security of our banks and convenience stores are STRONGER than that of the state military installation? When is the government going to turn its focus on properly securing the Weapons of Mass Destruction contained within that base? Only time will tell. So far this terrorist attack has injured 78 people, killed11 and caused 482 million in damage. Local Civilians are gathering around to commemorate the fallen victims of yesterdays' tragedy. This is the 45th Terrorist attack this month. Image source: Carsales.com Peter Parker is a Full-Time Weasel News Reporter and the resident Car Connoisseur. He can be commonly found in a Black and Pink Spiderman Outfit around the legion square area, Immersing himself with the people. When he isn't found in legion square, he can be found annoying Officer Farewell Promotional Contents Los Santos Customs - Tune up your car to outrun the cops Vanilla Unicorn - Let your right hand take a break for once L.S ADVERTISING - Make your Business Sexy
  2. As far as I know, he isn't. @Mr Weasel will be able to confirm. He should also be able to confirm whether or not this post was given his approval. I'm not quite sure how the Freelance program works anymore.
  3. The Parker Review: 2017 Dodge Demon Being Evil has a price. Author: Peter Parker @Spiderman Published: August 18, 2019 1:50PM Image source: Spiderman Pictures I'm a Simple Man. I love blisteringly loud noises and adore the smell of burning gasoline on a Fresh, Sunday afternoon in the countryside of Blaine County with nothing but my dad jeans and my Polo Shirt. The Dodge Demon is loud and rips through fuel like a 45-year-old Chainsmoker. Sounds like a perfect match made in heaven right? That's what I thought before I took it for a test drive. The Dodge Demon prides itself as being the fastest production car ever made. But is it true? That’s what the paperwork says, and having experienced what 840bhp does on a drag strip I have no cause to doubt it. 0-60mph in 2.3secs is the claim, with the quarter-mile dealt within 9.65secs at 180.09mph. This car was designed purely for Drag Racing. Cut back to its most basic, the Demon is a Challenger Hellcat prepped for the strip. It has no greater ambition than to race in a straight line because in its world there can be no greater ambition than that. But what is it like? Massive, massive fun. I mean, come on, what did you expect? It’s an 840bhp supercharged V8 that squeals and bellows and snorts, hooked up to a super-sticky set of rear tires, and a pair of comically weeny fronts. I have never felt anything that goes off the line remotely like the Demon. A Tesla is fairly violent, likewise, a 911 Turbo S, but the Demon is apocalyptic. On a drag strip, it's an absolute monster. Its take-off is like the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse letting Roar a Hellish Roar and bounding across the strip with frenzied force. The kickback to it is nothing short of a cannonball to the gut. It's just that vicious. Until you put it on the road. Within a traffic environment, it's really not that special. Its top speed and it's cornering ability is average, and on point with literally every other import car on the road. The real elephant in the room is its price. For the price of 2.5 million, you get a car that's really not that special. Multiply that with the High Trade-In rate, and you got a car that people buy for a day, only to sell it back to the dealership for 60% of the initial price. I only recommend this car to those who love the noise and know that they're unlikely to trade it back, only to sell it back to be stripped and sold to the person behind them. 7/10 Stars. Image source: Spiderman Images Peter Parker is a Full-Time Weasel News Reporter and the resident Car Connoisseur. He can be commonly found in a Black and Pink Spiderman Outfit around the legion square area, Immersing himself with the people. All cars used in these reviews were used carefully by Suitable Professional Peter Parker. No people, animals or Officer Farewell's were harmed in the production of this article. Weasel News is not responsible for the Wreckless Driving of Peter Parker. San Andreas Police Department are notified when his testing is taken place. Links and References to other articles have been attributed appropriately. Promotional Contents Los Santos Customs - Tune up your car to outrun the cops Vanilla Unicorn - Let your right hand take a break for once
  4. The Parker Review: Porsche 911 Turbo Breaker of Chains or an Absolute Mad Queen? Author: Peter Parker @Peter_Parker Published: July 12, 2019, 9:30 PM WARNING: IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE ENDING TO GAME OF CHAIRS, DO NOT READ THIS REVIEW. Image source: Porsche I was sitting around my house recently and caught the final Game of Chairs Episode. The final payoff of 8 years of investment. Admittedly, it was pretty dreadful and some of the foreshadowing from past seasons were either dropped or rushed out the gate like some sickly horse that fell ill. I did, however, enjoy the conclusion to the story of Doenoras Tubrarlyun. The story begins with an innocent orphaned child working to take back the land that was stolen from her family and her descent into madness. Oddly enough, I feel like this story was ripped straight out of the Porsche history books and their ultimate position today in regards to the Porsche 911 Turbo. Porsche started out by consulting for other companies and assisting them in designing and developing their own cars, a prime example being the Volkswagen Beetle, otherwise known as one of the most commercially successful cars of all time. In 1948 Porsche developed their first credited car, the Porsche 356. In 1964, Porsche developed the first Porsche 911 that was available commercially. Fast Forward 55 years and it remains one of the most iconic cars of all time, with over a million cars under the 911 nameplate being manufactured. One of the issues with developing a car for over 55 years is that eventually the differences between the last version grow blurred. Enthusiasts eventually start to pick favorites, and usually, their least favorite is almost always the Porsche 911 Turbo S model. They'll tell you that it's too expensive (it isn't actually, at only $330,000) and that the 911 should be a nimble sports car, not some Ferrari-chasing supercar (Which again, it isn't). This car only has 600bhp, with a 0-60 of 3.2 seconds. Push your foot down a little harder and it'll end up at 230kmph at its maximum roar. They'll eventually descend into murmuring about the unsprung weight distribution of the Four-Wheel-Drive system, whatever that means. They'll probably also mention it's skittish traction at slow speeds, which is where this car ultimately fails. Image Source: Porsche Back to the Game of Chairs comparison, the Porsche 911 Turbo S behaves like a dragon - if you have no idea how to control a car as complicated as this one, this car will be shot by a Scorpion Bolt/Ice Spear, it will fall and descend into the water down below without a second thought. The wheels are like butter, with every wheel moving at a vastly different speed to the other. This car is a beast in the right hands and can burn down a city with no remorse. At slow speeds, this car attracts the police like a dog to peanut butter because of its necessity to leave tire marks at the slightest angle change and its heavy, inconsistent engine revs and it's loud engine sound when red-lining this car. At high speeds, this car generates elephantine downforce and the sliding isn't as noticeable, of course, this again is at the price of a speeding ticket. Customization of this car is pretty standard - Not a lot of cosmetic changes, with the only notable change being the slight paint job. All the standard Performance modifications are present. When buying this car, you have over 50 different shades of gray to choose from - probably to advertise your interest in various fantasy-leather-bedroom scenarios as most Porsche owners do. To conclude, I can only recommend this car to the best drivers in San Andreas. If you're new to the city and aren't used to the physics breaking automobiles in this city, I'd pass on this vehicle and consider something with less ferocity. This car is nothing short of terrifying. Also, expect to learn the Mechanic who services your car by name. That's the respectful thing to do, and you'll have plenty of time to do it. Promotional Contents Los Santos Customs - Tune up your car to outrun the cops with overpriced upgrades that improve them marginally. Gang of the Year for 40 years running! Vanilla Unicorn - Let your right hand take a break for once. Get someone to do it for you. CAPITALISM BABY! Los Santos Touring and Transport - Better than getting arrested for Car Theft. Now Hiring!
  5. The Parker Review: Benefactor Glendale Is this Cultural Staple really worth the money? Author: Peter Parker @Peter_Parker Published: July 11, 2019 1:50PM Image source: Spiderman Pictures WHEN THE Benefactor Glendale arrived at my office with its snazzy black roof, big black wheels, and Rounded Rectangle door mirrors, I was very excited. I knew nothing about what Benefactor had done to create this tremendous-looking car; only that it was tickling the small boy that still lives in my creaking outer shell of flesh and hopelessness. Plainly this car was designed as a modern recreation of a combination of the body of a 1955 Buick Special, with the roof elements of a 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air, which was not well received by the pipe-smoking motoring helmsmen of the time and the youth of 1950s Australia. They didn't like the single carburetor that was being used to feed the engine and its dull design, whereas right now, I don't even know why that would be a problem. I just like the way that combination sounds. And I'd always like 1950s cars. Yes, one of those cars was probably a better solution compared to getting both getting squashed into a single car because it didn't alienate two demographics, but it didn't have the two-tone feel. And the Glendale did, so that was that. And so it goes today. Apart from the ignorant hipster, I've always liked the "old", vanilla looking cars more. I know it's not very flash - they're not as fast as the modern imports - and I know some of the stylings are missing. But my god, it's a lovely thing to drive and sit in. It doesn't matter what you use this for, it's just perfect for any situation - it is joyful on country roads, economical, fun to use and practical. The only major drawback is the cruising speed. All cars have a speed in which the components settle into a harmonious rhythm. In a Porsche 911 Turbo, it's only about 50kmph, but the speed the Glendale will settle if you just let it do its own thing, is an easy license losing 140mph. You really do need to pay attention when driving this car. And then I looked at the price. For only 500$, any consumer could just buy this illustrious automobile with a single paycheck. And with the dozens of customization options, there are a million ways to not only make a good car - but to make it YOUR car. There are even people who are putting composite paneling on to make it bulletproof - Some perform bodywork and swap the chassis out to make it more like a monster truck. The possibilities are endless. There is simply no better car to purchase than this distinguished, cultural icon in the state of San Andreas. Go out and buy this car before it sells out. Who am I kidding, Benefactor are making that many Glendales, that there's a nearly unlimited amount of stock at the moment. Image source: Spiderman Pictures Promotional Contents Los Santos Customs - Tune up your car to outrun the cops Vanilla Unicorn - Let your right hand take a break for once
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